So many wishes…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-travis/wishing-for-you-wishing-for-me_b_5535316.html

Hurt

Hurt

I was talking with a friend yesterday about something she’s dealing with – unrelated to infertility. We should all remember this when someone is hurting.

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How are you?

How are you?

So true.

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Summer Holidays

Extremely negative post ahead….

Apparently I’m supposed to be so happy to be on summer holidays from teaching. I’m “so lucky.” Why? So the reminders of my empty house can be emphasized? So the lonely days will be even longer? So I have to purposefully try and find things to fill my days so I don’t sink further into this depression?
The summer holidays are simply another thing that screams at me that I don’t have kids. I should be filling my days with spending time with my kids. That was the plan when we got married. But nope. A year ago marks the start of our 2nd IVF – followed by the news of the extent of Mario’s mother’s illness, a failed transfer of 2 embryos, another failed transfer of 2 embryos, the death of Mario’s mom, another failed transfer of our last embryo. All the while trying to keep my head above water at work. Trying to support Mario through this awful time for him. More friendships ruined – maybe my fault? I don’t know. I wish I had the strength to be a bigger person and push all these negative feelings aside and try to return to the person I used to be. I truly wish that. Every single day. I hope that one day I can but it just seems impossible.

I guess the one good thing about not having to go to work each day is not having to see that huge freaking billboard of a fetus on my drive to work every day. That was always such a nice start to the day.

Holding on or letting go…

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
― Ann Landers

I read this quote today in a place where I wouldn’t expect to read something like this – on a work memo. I’m sure everyone could apply it to their lives in some way, shape, or form. For me, it’s trying to find the strength to let go of the hope and dream of getting pregnant and having a baby. There are some moments when I think I’ll be ok with pursuing the adoption process (and for anyone who thinks this is easy or fast, you couldn’t be any more wrong) but then I’ll see a baby bump or someone pushing a stroller down my street and it brings me right back to wanting to hold on.

I hope that one day I can let go and move on.

Mother’s Day

I am so grateful to have my wonderful mom. Happy Mother’s Day to you, Mom. Thank you for everything you do for us- me, Mar, and Gabby.

Today is tough, though. It’s the first Mother’s Day since Mario’s mother passed away. It’s also the first Mother’s Day (and this is the 5th since we tried to have a baby) that I don’t have any hope that I’ll be a mother by the next one.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms and moms-to-be.
And for those of you that aren’t, be good to yourself and I hope that you have people in your life that are thinking of you and acknowledge how difficult today is for you.

I want to punch her.

I realize this is tongue-in-cheek but it still hurts and makes me so angry.

http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns/2013/05/ten-things-i-want-for-mothers-day/

Not for us.

I wish. For so many people it does happen like magic. And we sure worked hard...

I wish. For so many people it does happen like magic. And we sure worked hard…

Denial

Isn’t that the first stage in the grieving process? I could very well be wrong but can’t be bothered to check. I can’t believe that I’m not pregnant. That our last embryo did not implant and it died. Or maybe I don’t want to believe it.

How do we move on from here? How do we mourn the biological children we never had? I have no idea. I can’t imagine ever being ok with this. Ever.

I came across this quote quite some time ago.

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”    -Laura Bush

Seriously?

Cycle cancelled.
An endometrial biopsy (it’s always fun to have a piece of your uterine lining cut out of you) and 6 other trips to the clinic in just this week alone (while being sick and working full-time), and all for nothing. Now it seems we have to contend with my crappy hormone levels. My levels have never been an issue. Until we were gearing up for this FET (frozen embryo transfer), of course. My estrogen levels were low, then rose to an ok level, then plummeted. No reason why at this point.
I am beyond sad. Frustrated. Angry. Bitter. Anxious. Wish I could just hide in my house and not have to be bombarded by pregnancies, babies, happy families. I’m so sick of this.
It’s been more than a year since our first IVF retrieval procedure (that didn’t retrieve any eggs) – February 13th to be exact. I never, ever imagined we’d still be in this hell.

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